Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
