i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
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There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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