his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
