There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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