You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
