i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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