Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
