Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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