We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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