Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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