There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
