TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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