If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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