I could make wine with my vomit
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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