i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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