I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
