Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
