Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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