I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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