the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
