I will die if light touches me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
