i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
