If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
How naked do you want me to be?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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