Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
