Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
