I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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