I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
