the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
