i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
