The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
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I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
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I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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