Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.