party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
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you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What a dumb baby whore.
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My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.