He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
