On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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