he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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