Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
