VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
