I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
