Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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