My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
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Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
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You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize