so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I could make wine with my vomit
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Randomize
