On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize