im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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