theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
