I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
