You're completely useless in the revolution.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
