Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
