Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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