i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
