Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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