Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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