There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
