I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
