Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
