she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You need Xanax blowdarts
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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